As soon as I pass the dragon mural, I drop into my feet. Perhaps it is the anticipation of the soon-to-manifest meditation class or perhaps it is the energy of this place that now three months later I call home. But that first night, I had no idea that I would be able to live in such a place. I was only aware of the energy of mindfulness that seemed to pervade the walls, and the mystery of the red drapes obscuring the interior from view. As I reached for the tea house door, I found the handle missing, and entered a room that seemed like a great cavern. Upside down stained-glass bouquets lit up the room with vibrant antique glow. I wandered among the multitude of objects, checked out the bookcases-filled with cookbooks, poetry, self-help, new-age, history, social critique, and many more. And then I talked to Michael, told him I needed a place to live, and he offered me a completely new life.
Only recently, I emigrated to this place that people call San Diego. My previous home, and perhaps the most life-changing (apart from Chile) was a monastery called Deer Park, which hides couched in a valley behind the hills of Escondido’s northern border. For seven months, I had lived there with the sisters doing some of the things Vietnamese nuns do. But mostly, I spent a lot of time alone. I began to love the solace of that valley. I would sit for hours doing nothing but enjoying my breath, the stories of birds and clouds ever-shifting. I didn’t want to become a nun, although now that I am in the world of cars, jobs, bills, and schedules, I sometimes wish for the peace of that sheltered place. But in the end I know that the sheltered life of the monastery, for my path would be an escape from the challenges of the outer world. And because it is there only for those who seek it out, who have already been injected into the stream of spiritual life, it might prevent me from fulfilling my own particular Bodhisattva aspiration, which is to plant the seed of meditation in those who would otherwise not receive it.
I originally wanted to become a teacher in order to bring the practice mindfulness to the classroom, perhaps even interweave meditation into the lessons that I taught so that the energy of mindfulness would be present in the lessons. I envisioned that each lesson would inspire self-awareness and compassion in the hearts and minds of my students, or at least create the precedent.
But you can’t do these things if you live in a monastery. You are not even allowed to leave really. So I decided that the best way for me to make manifest this intention was to go out into the world and make my own spiritual oasis, and from there extend myself out into the inner city schools. I would be safe because there would always be a life-line tethering me to a place of peace, which would be my home. So, I left the monastery to go live with a woman I met at Deer Park, who had a deep spiritual practice.
Stop there. Although that was what was passing through my mind, it was all too idealistic. Wouldn’t it be nice for me to tell you that I lived with this woman, entered a teaching credential program, and then became an incredible inner-city school teacher, who went home every night to her sisters meditating peacefully in the living room and eating nothing by organic food cooked fresh that day in a state of deep peace and mindfulness. The one thing I have learned since I have left the monastery is that creating a life path (ie. a career) is a very very very messy and busy business, and sometimes you don’t decide what your career is, life decides for you.
I will spare you the cluttering details that describe how I lost sight of my original vision, and be brief. Since I moved to San Diego in August, from August till February, I have moved three times. I have worked five different jobs, retaining only two of them, which are busking and tutoring. And yes I am tutoring, and yes, I began Waldorf teacher training in January, but Waldorf is a private school based system (much different than the inner-city school teacher dream I once had). And to top it off, I find myself professionally playing violin in not just one, but two circuses, and also playing clubs with a DJ and accordionist. Needless to say, the amount of changes to my living situation have been overwhelming at times.
So here I am, in this giant cavern resembling a museum warehouse where a multitude of interesting histories collide into one, and the cathedral of a room I am in is called the Tea House. And I’m talking with Michael, who has a wonderful smile and has a habit of adjusting his spectacles mid-sentence. And it is like magic; I ask him whether or not I could live at the Ideal Hotel, and he says that we could probably work something out, and a week plus one residence meeting later, bam! I am moved into the Ideal Hotel.
So what does one do with that? What does one do when they magically aparate into wonderland. I have found that the Red Lotus definitely houses magic in its walls. The place is pregnant with promise of incredible things. But magically it is in writing this blog for the Red Lotus that I have been brought back to my original purpose. And even more magically, I realize that although I blindly stumbled here, I am exactly in the place that I need to be in order to fulfill my Bodhisattva vow. My time in the world has shown me that my mind is still not stable enough to teach an inner-city class in an authentically peaceful and mindful way. I have much more growing to do, and perhaps that is why the muse of music has demanded my presence at her side. Or perhaps, I was meant to be a musician, and I can help relieve the suffering sentient beings that way. Whatever the case, the future is like a giant cloud bank. Who knows if it contains a storm. And if there is one or no, I have to learn how to fly into it my own with serenity, how to find the find the eye of the storm if the hurricane threatens. I must learn how to have peace and compassion even when others are uncompassionate and unmindful. So I am very grateful to this place, and all who live here. Thank you Michael for blessing me with the opportunity to strengthen my practice. This place is a treasure.
See you in the next life ; )
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